I won’t lie, sometimes the wilderness is too quiet, asleep and so little moving. It becomes motionless, constant – what people don’t like about their lives. Still the same things and always the same people and everything always the same. I didn’t catch the moment, and in the last few days, I felt like I was drowning, again. And that I can’t climb out and I’m probably still climbing somewhere. I wake up at seven in the morning every day, drink water, and lie down again. Another awakening usually follows around lunch and then there is no desire to do anything. The worst thing is to get up, it’s not laziness. The question is, why should I do this, why should I try – can’t I just wait in bed to die?

And then those days repeat, and yet, a few days back, I happily ran around the garden with Happy, doing funny things. And then I fell on the other side again, the bad side, which is very difficult to leave.

The sun has been shining since this morning. The sky was cloudless and it looked like it was almost spring. I was asleep all the forenoon, and then Happy started jogging in the kitchen because my mom arrived. She was already whining from the porch at her. „Hey Happy, the action mom has arrived, the wellness is over.“ Although we went for a walk to the quarry yesterday and I pulled the wood for the fire, we weren’t actually anywhere else. Dry ones that no one will remove. I only grind the doors that I have prepared in the workshop occasionally so that I can make a new design for them. And the workshop has been closed for several days. I didn’t go there even for wood or briquettes. At the same time, I would like to finish it, regrind it, paint it and do a design there that I have prepared for several days in the notepad.

On the one hand, it is very difficult to be with me. It is a weight that is badly worn, especially when one is not wearing straps or a wheeled cart. The burden is unreal. Strange. But whenever someone comes, I’m glad I can share my world with them. And then when people leave, the whole burden is mine again and again. It’s hard. We are social creatures, there is no doubt about that. But at this time, society is something that is not so easily achievable at this time. And it probably would be the same if it was a non-covid situation. People are sitting next to you, but they don’t really see you, they can’t hear you. I appreciate it more now. Even simple phone calls (sic! One, more will follow) with Ondra. Thanks for them. And semi-spontaneous visits from Mr. T. (as the portoboys call him). When he was here, it was nice, small and good luck. I keep saying that. From my original attempts to cut wood the way my dad does, I didn’t succeed, so I sent a guy to work. He didn’t fight it as much as I did, and the wood dries happily in the kitchen.

I volunteered to go into isolation, so it’s just on my shoulders. I voluntarily gave up social and Prague life. I would be lying if I said I didn’t get a single message from my classmates, but not really, and I’m not calling them friends, maybe acquaintances. There are simply things that will not last. I don’t exist. And maybe it’s better for the world around me.

So who brings the sun? Everyone who can bring me the sun. It shines in such a way that I have to smile like a jerk into that glow, and at the same time sometimes shield my eyes.

I send greetings to Portugal. Who can say that the Portuguese read him?